


Megalomaniac

by sirensoundwave



Series: Plot Bunnie Farm Escapees [6]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Japanese Mythology & Folklore, M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Sibling Incest, but not dysfunctional, sorta jacked up family dynamic, soul king revelation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-02-10 13:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2026899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirensoundwave/pseuds/sirensoundwave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Spirit King isn't as hands off and out of touch as the shinigami think. No, he's been watching and taking notes about the goings on in Seireitei, Karakura and Hueco Mundo for a very,very long time. And for the most part, he is unimpressed. Here he muses about his little test and the beloved family he misses so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I need a Plot Bunnie Writers Anonymous support group STAT. 
> 
>  
> 
> Yeah, I'm doing it to Bleach...
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, anyone who does not know of my Chaos Mages, all you need to know is that each fandom is essentially it's own reality created and maintained by a Guardian. That Guardian can create Chaos Mages to help him or her keep their reality balanced. These mages (and sometimes their guardian) are usually canonical characters. Usually there is just a light mage and a dark mage. Sometimes though, there are 3 mages or more. The balance or affinity is the tightrope they must all walk lest their reality unravel.
> 
>  
> 
> I generally use pantheons of gods or elements of myth from one or two regions to create the mages and their guardian. As such, I tweak them to fit into the roles I require. I also tend to include same sex relationships but not always a major part of the story.
> 
>  
> 
> But it is in this one.
> 
>  
> 
> No bitching about getting a god, goddess or concept wrong. Or about the story content. You were warned. Flames will be used to bake treats for the plot bunnies.
> 
>  
> 
> Incubus leads the way with Megalomaniac.

 

Onward!

 

**

 

If I were your appendages

I'd hold open your eyes

So you would see

That all of us are heaven sent

There was never meant to be only one

To be only one...

 

This crap had gone on long enough. There were no words to describe how disappointed he was with Sereitei.

 

Kami-sama, Reiou, Soul King, God...so many titles. Still, the one he preferred was just plain Izanagimi. It amused him to no end that despite his rather eccentric involvement in his reality, the Japanese had used the names of his family and made their own versions of himself and his children. Dividing his name into two deities. And swapping the gender of two of his mages. Still gender as mortals perceive it did not really exist for beings such as themselves. After all Izanagimi created all of them. 

 

He dearly loved family and wished things hadn't spiralled so out of control. Even though they had all agreed to be apart of his little test, locking away their memories upset him more and more as time went on. Still he told himself this was for the best. Without their memories, they didn't have to act allowing their true selves to still shine through.

 

Hachiman, god of war, the mortals had somewhat gotten right. Bloodthirsty and fight happy, the man could be wise but thinking took all the fun out of battle. Master of all weaponry, he favored the sword not the bow. The first impression he gave his fellow Mages or other Guardians was "brawn with no brains" who could work even the most zen of them into a battle ready frenzy. Causing them to reconsider that initial assessment.

 

Enmma was twice as manipulative. Associated with everything dark, his chief designation among the islands was that of lord of the underworld. Which he was in more than one sense. Not only ruling over the dead, an entire cult centered on him being the god of vengeance/retribution, criminal organizations and destruction. Rather fitting all things considered...

 

Enmma's beautiful lover, Kishi Mojin, hated the fact that his shinto incarnation was a woman. It really was understandable considering life, birth, protection and balance were his attributes. Generally pretty easy going, heaven help you if you pissed him off. He went after things he deemed unjust with single minded determination and fiercely defended what he cared about. He also had no issue chastising his brother/lover. Funny thing? His favorite food was fresh strawberries.

 

His only daughter, Kisshouten, enjoyed being invoked as a bringer of good fortune, happiness and beauty. Her infectious laughter and warm smile made it damn near impossible to ever be mad at her for very long. Not that she ever did much to prove that theory. She spent a great deal of time with her eldest brother who helped her develop her unique form of magic. The ability to flat out reject situations.

 

Baku didn't even get a humanoid form in human myth and legend instead resembling a tapir that ate dreams; something Hachiman teased him about constantly. Patron of dreams and restful sleep. Doesn't seem all that big a deal until one realized that also gave him great dominion over the mind. Deny anyone the ability to rest long enough and they go insane, body wasting away. In dreams, people are susceptible to manipulation even physical harm if made to believe the dream is real enough. Despite this power, he preferred to lazy about. Conflict bored him; only participating when forced.

 

Of all his children, Fugen Bosatsu was the most detached. The poor boy spent too much time in his head to the point that it worried his father at times. Though it gave him keen intellect, wisdom and understanding his ability to simply turn off his emotions was not normal. Izanagimi consulted his sister Gaia about it considering what happened with her own son. She assured him Fugen had not done the same.* Evidenced by the fact that Kisshouten could always make him smile.

 

The eldest was the most cunning. It wouldn't surprise the Soul King if the man had regained his memories early on (or never truly lost them) but simply enjoyed watching the game play out. Okuninushi was many things: healer, sorcerer...trickster. The blond had the uncanny ability to appear completely unassuming even to those who knew him well. Always looking for a challenge to his mind, Okuninushi liked to toy with others, especially mortals and lesser beings. He'd been suspiciously gleeful and eager to participate as well. 

 

Last but not least his lovely Kannon. Another victim of the gender mix up, Kannon embodied mercy, forgiveness and repentance. Izanagimi found it cute that his zanpakuto reflected his identity more than most of his brothers. Always giving opponents the opportunity to surrender before ruthlessly obliterating those who would take his kindness for weakness. Known for his hypnotic singing voice, his delicate flower could make the hardest of hearts weep. He made such wonderful sounds in bed too. Oh how he missed his songbird. Of all his children, he disagreed the strongest with this plan. What better way to punish his father than to refuse to leave his side? Be ever so close but as unattainable as forbidden fruit?

 

It made him proud.

 

Sexually frustrated as hell, but proud.

 

Well, it would all be over soon. Just not soon enough. Sigh.

 

"You're awfully quiet. Were it anyone else, I'd be relieved." A voice interrupted his musings.

 

"But me?" He queried, pointlessly trying to hide his amusement.

 

"I'm disturbed." Came the blunt response.

 

"Maa, maa! You worry too much Tous-san!"

 

"For the umpteenth time, stop calling me that Ichimaru Gin-san." The blind ex-captain groused. "The stage finally is set to create the Ouken. Be ready to leave for the human world soon."

 

Turning on his heel, Kaname left his ever smiling cohort alone in the stark white hallway.

 

If he could see just how broad that grin was, he would have shivered.

 

**

 


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright peeps, I'll level with you. Around the near end of the Winter War arc, I stopped giving a good god damn about the anime and threw myself into reading fanfics. Why? As most fans know, that's also around the time Toonami announced a break for the series and we were introduced to Death Note as a placeholder (it still rocked even though L dies T_T).  Viz/Studiopolis needed that break to dub more episodes- apparently they didn't think it would be as popular here as Japan.
> 
>  
> 
> First of all, when has that EVER been the case? I guarantee if it's huge when released in Japan, it will definitely turn a profit in the states large enough to justify finishing the series dubbing. I can only think of two exceptions: Sailor Moon (what you did to the Pretty Soldier DIC doomed your ability to finish the series because editing made NO sense half the time. You didn't even WATCH THE DAMN SHOW BEYOND SEASON 1 -I can't even...ARGH!!!) and DBZ (FUNmation, by the time you got your heads out of your asses and did remaining  dubbing with only small changes like covering up booze and boobs, most of your original fan base were adults who had already read the damn manga or seen subtitled episodes and no longer cared...) both of which were victims of oversight for the sake of cashing in on a craze. Then there's what happened with Inuyasha-
> 
>  
> 
> ..wait, what was I talking about? 
> 
>  
> 
> Oh.
> 
>  
> 
> Second, I found a lot of fanfiction more entertaining than the jacked up fanslations of the manga and anime I found when I initially wanted to know what happened.
> 
>  
> 
> In short, I have no clue who officially lives through the winter war nor what happens to the Espada or Aizen other than Ichigo whoops his ass but loses his powers (but only because of the videogame and fanfiction :/ ). Then there was the Bount thing and the Zanpakuto rebellion (neither of which are manga cannon), I was just outta fucks to give.
> 
>  
> 
> The bright side is the AU of Megalomaniac makes that lack of knowledge inconsequential.  Isn't that great?
> 
>  
> 
> ....
> 
>  
> 
> Shut up, I know I'm lazy.
> 
>  
> 
> This will be the conclusion to the linear progression of this plot bunnie. It may get the occasional one shot drabble update though. My plot bunnies are born/updated when I have writer's block for my real stories...
> 
>  
> 
> Small note: This song wasn't chosen to be about Gin/Izanagimi. It's about what developed once he gave complete autonomy to Central 46. Last chapter, we learned that basically everything in the Bleach universe is the result of him setting out to test the government he founded as Soul King.
> 
>  
> 
> Onward!

 

 

 

Hey megalomaniac

You're no Jesus

Yeah, you're no fucking Elvis

Special, as you know yourself

Baby, just step down, step down

 

Yeah

You're no Jesus

You're no Elvis

You're no answer

 

*M*

The last thing Captain Soifon remembered was standing over the dying body of her lieutenant before a wave of reitatsu bore down and forced her to her knees. Across the battlefield Soutaicho lay mutilated and smoldering. Then Aizen turned into the world's most hellish butterfly and...

 

Now she stood with the entire Gotei 13 among the shinigami left behind in Seireitei. Most blinking owlishly at the captains and highest ranking officers just appearing out of thin air. Not at all looking like there had just been a bloody battle...

 

In fact, her arm was fine. Whole and unmarred as it had been the day before. Comrades she'd seen slaughtered stood with her, equally confused. Equally unharmed.

 

Across the courtyard, the Espada tried to figure out what happening as well. 

 

Wait.

 

"What the hell are Arrancars doing in Seireitei?!" Renji exploded.

 

"Shut yer face pineapple! I'm s'ppose ta be dead for fucks sake. How the hell should I know?!" Nnoitra scoffed.

 

"Yes...I too recall my demise." Harribel frowned. The Trecera surveyed her 'allies' and quickly noticed there were only eight others there. Even Tousen stood among them. Yet Starrk and Ulqiorra were gone. On the other side, she noted some were missing as well. Most obviously the Kurosaki boy. "What happened then?"

 

"That seems to be the question." 

 

Soi Fon lost it at that voice. That smooth, charming, treacherous voice. The cause of so much suffering. The instant her eyes met his she let loose a war cry.

 

Utterly failing to notice his...um...changes.

 

"Jinteki shakusetsu, Suzumebachi!"

 

"Really?" A brown eyebrow raised at the enraged woman to whom he merely raised a hand. As she neared him zanpakuto poised to strike...she began to shrink. By the time she reached her target, he was able to casually swat her away with a bored expression. "Pest."

 

"Change her back." Came from behind him.

 

"Why? She's far less annoying as her Zanpakuto's name sake, ne?" An amused smile gracing his lips.

 

"NOW!!!" A tanned fist bopped the side of his head causing the man to chuckle and move aside revealing his attacker. Instantly, their audience tensed, expecting something terrible to happen.

 

Were anyone in a joking mood, shinigami, human or Arrancar, they'd have taken bets on exactly what part of this was the most outlandish.

 

No one dead. Captains and lieutenants, Espada and higher level fraccion. Despite remembering all manner of horrible ends themselves. Still, missing was Gin Ichimaru on the Hueco Mundo side...

 

Everyone, yes everyone, staring at each other under the bright sun in Soul Society. This was different than the previous issue because it entailed a basic physics problem. The central courtyard wasn't nearly large enough to accommodate so many bodies. Yet there was clearly a 10 yd divide between the two factions with plenty of standing room.

 

 

The appearance of their foe dressed in lavish black robes adorned with blood red flowers. He remained devilishly handsome but also gained a few strange attributes. Two horns jutted from his head near his hairline but elegantly curved back along his skull leaving with a small gap over his hair. Rather off putting pearly fangs and clawed nails as black as coal now apart of his anatomy as well.

 

One of the fiercest captains turned into a bug by said traitor.

 

Ichigo Kurosaki demanding she be changed back. Then cuffing him.

 

The sheer volume of his demand (everyone's hair blew back, faces caught in anime style surprise at the loudness).

 

Or what Kurosaki was wearing.

 

A rather feminine kimono. An irotomesode(1) to be exact. Thin white obi tied high and taunt to show off his thin waist and wide hips. White save for the bright blue and green flowers set in spiral patterns across the fabric below the waist. The garment ended at his ankles letting his bare feet show. His hair down his back as it had been in full hollow mode. This time tied in a loose ponytail.

 

"Must you always be so violent?" Aizen huffed rubbing his head.

 

"Must you always be so pompous?" The younger countered. 

 

"Please don't fight. We all just got back together again!" Came a perky laugh. "Hi everyone!"

 

Leaping onto Aizen's back and waving at the stunned assembly, the busty Inoue. Clad in a furisode(2) who sleeves draped across the man's front. Deep purple, embroidered with thousands of shimmering multi colored gemstones arranged in patterns simulating fireworks. The massive silver bow her obi was tied in gave the illusion of wings. Hair pinned up in two buns.

 

"Kisshouten let go." Aizen strained to appear calm. To the trained eye though, it could be observed that she was most likely cutting off his air supply.

 

"Don't. Not until he fixes Soi Fon." Ichigo smirked. "He turned her into a wasp."

 

"Why?! That's so mean niisan!"

 

NIISAN?!

 

"Enma-niisama isn't known for being particularly kind oneechan." That voice caught the attention of the Espada and their fraccion. Dressed in a plain navy kimono, their number four casually walked towards the three. Gone were his facial marks and half helmet. But Ulquiorra remained as monotone, pale and emotionless as they remembered. "However I think Kishi Mojin-neesama is enjoying the fact that his husband can't breath more than the prospect of   forcing him to reverse the spell..."

 

"Oi! Stop calling me lil sister!" Kishi Mojin/Ichigo snapped.

 

"If the geta(3) fits as they say. Or rather the kimono." He replied. The orangettte's face turned bright red.

 

"Do mine ears deceive me or did lil Fugen Bosatsu make an actual honest to goodness joke?" Urahara laughed as he neared. The only one whose appearance had not changed in any way. Doing absolutely nothing to alleviate the growing confusion all around. The fifth person to show up acting like this was totally normal not bonkers as fuck.

 

"Deceiving the God of Deceit would be an accomplishment worthy of a king's ransom dear brother."

 

"That's such a harsh way to describe me touto." The blond whipped out his fan, laughing merrily. "I prefer the word cunning."

 

Heavy foot steps alerted them to the next person as they neared. That and the light jingle of bells.

 

"Paintin' a stone don't make it no lighter Okuninushi. Yer a lyin manipulative bastard. Who taught Enma to be a lyin manipulative bastard."

 

"Ken-chan!" No one moved fast enough to stop the pink wonder from attaching to herself to his neck. "What's happening Ken-chan? Whatcha wearin'?" Yachiru noticed his outfit was similar to their days outside Seireitei, simple light brown and somewhat ragged yukata. The Eleventh captain pat her head gently.

 

"Well-"

 

"Nothing that couldn't take place somewhere with less sun and more chairs. It's not like dad or Kannon are gonna show up anytime soon. Really don't care..." Starrk's unmistakable sleepy and somewhat whiny tone drifted to their ears. He stood off to the side, hollow mask gone like Ulquiorra's. His kimono loosely tied around him. The swimming koi and their dark blue pond were wrinkled. Looked like he'd slept in the outfit and didn't care enough to smooth it out once he got up.

 

"Honestly Baku if not for me, you'd never do your damn job!" Perched on his shoulder was Lilynette, tiny hands fisting disheveled folds. Slightly larger than a china doll, she dangled off him much the same way Yachiru did with Kenpachi. Of what could be seen of her, her kimono was white.

 

By the arrival of the Primera, Soutaicho had had enough. Tapping his cane forcefully against the ground, he drew most of his subordinates' attention.

 

"What is the meaning of this? Kurosaki, Urahara, Zaraki explain yourselves."

 

"Well technically Soutaicho-sama, you exiled me or rather Urahara Kisuke about a century ago. As such you have no real dominion over my actions." 'The Humble Shopkeeper' shrugged thumbing back at Ichigo. "He's never listened to a word you've said. So don't expect him to start now. And He..."

 

"Ain't explainin jack shit old man." 

 

Scandalous gasps erupted from the shinigami side. 

 

/Such disrespect!/ Rang in some their minds.

 

The Arrancar (as well as all the more likable good guys) had question marks floating overhead.

 

/So...anybody gonna explain this insanity?/ Was their collective thought.

 

Through all of this Aizen or Enma was starting to turn purple. His rigid stance times his sister's weight and position equalled far less oxygen entering his lungs than his body was comfortable with.

 

The whole time both orange haired teens smiling serenely at his distress. His supposed faithful servant not doing anything about it. Two large men clearly wanting to be anywhere else with tiny females hanging off them as well also indifferent. The blond looking way more amused at the spectacle than should be legal.

 

"Whatever! There, now get off!" With some decidedly non regal arm flailing, the second division captain returned to her true form. Sprawled out in a less than dignified position face down in the dirt of the no man's land between the sides. Unconscious.

 

"Man yer whipped." Zaraki laughed.

 

"Hmph. I'm sure if big red eyes stared at you with enough longing, you'd bow to Yachiru's will with little resistance." Aizen/Baku snorted.

 

"Ichigo, what is this? How can you stand so casually by his side?" Rukia demanded. She did not like how close that man was to the substitute. She certainly didn't like how that asshole's arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him close. "Let him go! Don't touch him!"

 

"Is the midget jealous? I have every right to touch my wife."

 

WIFE?!

 

"S-stop confusing them with words!" The smaller man squeaked.

 

"Rukia it's okay. Nobody's in any danger." Orihime/Kisshouten smiled. "It's a little unfair that daddy isn't here to explain right now but everything you all went through was just an evaluation."

 

"Evaluation by whom young lady?" The elderly commander's eyes narrowed.

 

"Daddy! Oh, you guys know him as Soul King but he hates that name. We call him daddy or Izanagimi."

 

"No. Just...are you telling us all the shit we put up with from that asswipe was a test?! What the fucking fuck?!" Grimmjow roared pointing at his former lord.

 

"You might want to calm down sir-" Yylfordt suggested. The fraccion fully expected the wrath of the man who would be god to rain down on his leader.

 

"Calm down my ass!"

 

"For once I agree with the sexta." Syazel dismissed his brother. He also ignored the glare from the blue haired espada. "You expect us to believe that?"

 

"What you believe is of no consequence to the truth." Ulquiorra/Fugen turned to face his 'comrades' briefly before looking the Soutaicho right in the eye. 

"The corruption rampant in Seireitei, what you Tousan-san were persuaded to revolt against, is unacceptable. Father didn't want to believe such atrocities could be committed by those appointed to such a noble purpose. Of course, such things as the Quincy massacre, ridiculous policies that persecuted the innocent but ignore the guilty and the squalor those outside these walls live in are just a few of the grievances the Soul King has with you all."

 

"As a mercy, those that died in the final battle were revived. You have our brother Kannon to thank for that. Father was ready to clean the slate and start anew." Aizen/Enma said. "You know Kannon better as lieutenant Izuru Kira."

 

"This is insane." Uryuu grumbled. "My people were wiped out just so some god could see how messed up Shinigami are? Everyone here has gone through some sort of hell for your amusement?!"

 

"To be fair Ishida they were just as in the dark as you guys until the seal on their memories broke. What they went through,felt was as real to them as you." Urahara snapped his fan closed then opened it again to cover a sly smile.

 

"Your memories were never sealed! Figures!" Lilynette hollered.

 

"Well, someone had to make sure this trial didn't turn into an affinity be damned clusterfuck. With so many variables in play things had to be stabilized somehow. All I did was make sure each side got an even distribution of power while remaining neutral myself." 

 

"Neutral nothing. You have no shame." Ichigo/Kishin rolled his eyes. "My name isn't Ichigo Kurosaki. I'm Kishin Mojin."

 

"Kisshouten!" Orihime beamed.

 

"As you've heard, I am Enma." Aizen smiled. That less than trustworthy smile.

 

" Fugen Bosatsu." Ulquiorra bowed slightly.

 

"Name's Hachiman." Zaraki grinned, hoisting Yachiru up onto his shoulders.

 

"(Yawn) Baku." Starrk introduced half heartedly. The mini girl on his shoulder started violently yanking his hair. "Ow! And Hoshikawa*. Stop that woman!"

 

"And Okuninushi at your service. We are the Chaos Mages of this reality. Our duty is to preserve the balance, not play favorites. By the way, the Quincy race isn't quite extinct. You and Ryuuken aren't the last."

 

"Not possible. My research material-" Mayuri began.

 

"Quincy were originally the gatekeepers to my domain, Hell." Enma cut him off. The Kabuki reject's indignant sputtering ignored. "Wicked souls attempting or able to escape before their sentence was served were obliterated from the karmic cycle. Those trying to dodge coming to me entirely, were hunted down and drug kicking and screaming to the netherworld. From what I gather, the instant father gave control to the 46, they removed Quincy from their appointed post and forced them to the living world."

 

"In case no one's figured it out, that ain't where they're meant to be." Yachiru had taken to playing with Hachiman's bells while he talked. "Forcin em to exist in the human world warped their powers to destroy any spiritual energy it was directed at. Takin their ability to regulate exactly what targets were damaged and which were damaged beyond salvation."

 

"Father saved those souls supposedly wiped out by the Gotei 13 in the slaughter. That's why you believed them gone when so few appeared in soul society." Tapping his fan to his forehead, the blond man appeared lost in thought. "Speaking of which, I should probably go deal with that situation. Since father's probably, ahem, occupied..." **

 

A bright flash of red blinded them before he vanished.

 

"Are we late?"

 

In light of the last twenty minutes, there should have been no way to surprise any of them. Really. Making the face faults that followed the question ridiculously hilarious.

 

Materializing near the stone cold Soi Fon, Ichimaru Gin stood in robes similar to a priest's joue(4). Actually...he didn't look much different than his Las Noches garb. Still grinning like a fox.

 

Attached to his arm swathed in a peach colored kimono stood Kira. His face draped with a sheer white veil that did nothing to hide his very flushed and slightly sweaty face. His stance indicating he might have difficulty walking should Gin move away.

 

"So what'd we miss?"

 

*M*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There. 
> 
>  
> 
> Any further updates will be drabbles.
> 
>  
> 
> I REGRET NOTHING!
> 
>  
> 
> irotomesode(1) very formal wear for married women (but sometimes unmarried ones too). Generally white or very soft colors, the pattern is only below the waist.
> 
>  
> 
> furisode(2) literally meaning swinging sleeve, this is what we westerners generally think of when we hear kimono. Worn exclusively by young unmarried girls.
> 
>  
> 
> geta(3) sandal. What bleach fan doesn't know that one n_n
> 
>  
> 
> joue(4) formal kimono for Shinto ceremonies. Preists are distinguished from worshippers by a unique black hat.
> 
>  
> 
> *Hoshikawa- I smashed together two kanji to give Lilynette the name River Star.
> 
>  
> 
> **The Wandenreich 
> 
>  
> 
> Well, what do you think? Let me know guys, reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Read the notes. Too lazy to update the tags right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup. This is gonna be a bit...odd. I have decided to meld ALL my Reality of Chaos fics together. But this will be most evident in the  stories Facade, Hands Off, Megalomaniac and Idiotproof. Whazzhat mean? Well right now only Idiotproof has a definite plot. The other three are kinda side story drabble and two shot dumps. You guys already know Hands Off and Idiotproof take place at the same time. Then I realized it could be fun (or a trainwreck...) to add in my other mages that as they relate to the current clusterfuck in the Harry Potter reality. Especially in explaining how this shit happened in the first place. So these chapters will be called Intersections #? And posted in all 4. 
> 
>  
> 
> Again anything you need to know about the fandoms used will be explained in chapter or in endnotes. All I'm doing is turning up the crack level. There's no spoilers for those fics here either; just the assumption every Chaos knows who and what they are. Also random cameos from other fandoms will appear from time to time.
> 
>  
> 
> Here we go!

 

 

*I#1*

 

"I should just like to say you're all dead men walking." Green eyes rolled.

 

"That's big talk coming from you zombie boy.Don't tell me you've been domesticated." A brunette munched on a Twizzler. "Where's the wild n crazy little bastard we know and love?"

 

"Oh come on. You're just as bored as we are." A blonde chuckled. "And about as powerful. Just without as many...restrictions on you."

 

"But he isn't as brain dead as you lot." Another blonde glared from beside green eyes. "I don't know the Lady Sun very well or her match. But the Lord Moon isn't the type to see fucking with his family as a harmless prank. Whatever the 'positives'."

 

"I'm inclined to agree with them. They maybe the youngest of us but Peter and Felix seem infinitely wiser than their elders at the moment." A smooth voice drawled. A black brow above crimson eyes quirked in derision. 

 

"Hush Oidiche." The only female in the room scoffed. "Do you not see the benefits as well as the entertainment value here?"

 

"Yeah, listen to sexy in green." The candy eater giggled earning a glare from her.

 

"Circumstances might have made us different than most second tier mages but our creator can wink us out of existence just the same. We are not risking our lives or Henry's for the sake of amusement. Later losers." With a swirl of shadow,  the young pair vanished.

 

"Hmph. You gonna be a party pooper too Big O?" Another Twizzler was shoved in the brunette's mouth.

 

"I have no intention of aiding or hindering this endeavor Gabriel. Merely observe. And yes Titania I do understand the possible benefits. However the risk isn't quite as worthwhile as you may think in my opinion." Red eyes lazily surveyed his companions. "I am quite familiar with Sylphine, Jasmine, Castor, Pollux and Artemis at least. And how terrifying they can be when properly motivated. So, when asked, I will give them what information I have."

 

"You’re scared of two second tier mages?" The remaining blonde asked, leaning in curiously. "Enough so to play tattle tale?"

 

"Of course not Okuninushi. I have no shame in admitting my wariness lies in several enraged parents whose combined might would be more than enough to scatter me to the ether."

 

"The cost of allowing this shadow world to further fragment could cause a tear. One that cannot be closed thus jeopardizing us all. This so call 'Dark Lord' will be the end of his reality and others if we leave things be. You cannot deny this course of action is the best way to establish ones powerful enough to prevent that." Titania spoke again.

 

"There you go again. It's a means to an end but hardly the best one. As I said count me out. I am far more concerned with what THEY will do to me than you all. Good day Lady and Gentlemen."

 

With a flash of pink, 4 became 3. Three meddling chaos mages. None really with a dark affinity in the traditional sense (as Peter and Felix had) yet known in their realities as masters of trickery and subterfuge. Old hands at getting what they wanted, when they wanted and screwing with people in the process as an entertaining bonus. It just so happens this time their scheme was mutually beneficial to them and their, um, targets.

 

There's no way this could blow up in their faces.

 

*I#1*

 

Gathered together after many mysterious resurrections and other developments, the main powers of Seireitei, Hueco Mundo and the Ningenkai sat down to finally get some straight answers from the revealed Soul King.

 

"Sylphine, what a pleasant surprise!" The 'humble' shopkeeper said out of the blue. A white paper fan snapped open to try and hide it's owner's nervousness. 

 

Everyone sort of looked at each other after the declaration. Confused until...

 

"ELECTRIC ZEPHYR!"

 

The man formerly known as Urahara Kisuke went flying out of the soutaichou's meeting room propelled by a wave of electricity via a new hole in the wall. In the destruction's wake stood a girl Rukia's height. Light brown skin, long black box braids with a single gold butterfly bead on each end. Smoldering aureate eyes glowing. She was huffing raggedly with unabashed anger. After a calming breath, she stepped through the hole after him with the heads of the 13 as well as several guests gaping and on high alert. Well most of them. Several present knew this stranger very well; also that getting in her way might not be so swift at  the moment..

 

And Okuninushi probably deserved whatever she dished out. One of his siblings didn’t so much care if he did as was thrilled it was happening. 

 

"Maa, maa, calm down everyone. That's Sylphy-chan! Ain't she a doll?  I get the feelin it best not to draw her attention away from her current focus though." Gin Ichimaru, now revealed as Izanagimi waved it off.  

 

"WHERE IS MY SON?!" She screeched. 

 

"Yep. Introductions should prolly wait a bit." He smiled with genuine cheer.

 

"...that girl blind sided Urahara." Soutaichou swallowed uneasily. "None of us sensed her until she struck." /Just how powerful are these beings?!/

 

Outside their reality's resident trickster picked himself up in time to narrowly avoid the sharp edge of a tessen swipe. He parried it's twin with Benihime. Electricity sparking with contact. 

 

"Picture this. One minute, I'm singing to my sweet little jewel as he lay down to sleep. The next he vanishes not of his own volition. Across our bond I feel my match do the same. Cas is a big boy, not worried. My baby is my first concern."

 

"Always with that sparkling personality  Now why would I know where darling little Bakaret is?" With a push, he forced her back aways. 

 

"Wrong answer dipshit!” She charged, both tessen sparking like an overloading transformer. 

 

“Geh! Shibari, Benihime!” With a hasty slash of his zanpakuto, a net of black and red energy dropped from nowhere above her.

 

“Reversal of Fortune!” Sylphine called. As the net came down, the blonde found himself switching places with her and ensnared in his own attack. He forgot she could do that!

 

“Shit!” Dispelling it only gave her an opening to grab his neck and begin shaking him like a ragdoll. Affinity was she stronger than she looked...

 

“You're the portal expert. And Oidiche is too smart to lie to me, this was YOUR brainchild. So again, WHERE IS MY SON FUCKER?!”

 

“I (gack!) don’t know what (gack!) you’re (gack!) talking about!”

 

Back with the others...

 

“Is he serious right now?” Kira asked no one in particular. “He does know she could end him right? He’s turning purple...”

 

“Oh, don’t worry Kannon-koi. She needs answers first an ya know dead men tell no tales. Okun-chan just happens ta have once again outsmarted his-self.” Gin grinned. Those who'd moved to attack (or rescue) found themselves held in place by an invisible force. 

 

“Yeah. Outsmarted. That’s what we’ll call it.” Ichigo snorted. “Sylphine is gonna pop that dumbass’s head like a zit if he keeps it up.”

 

“Who is that?” Rukia asked. She really didn’t want to get closer to her friend. Why? It meant getting closer to Aizen, whose lap the orangette sat on. He'd been scary enough as a deluded megalomaniac with a god complex. The revelation of him being Enma, actual god of hell and married to his BROTHER Ichigo (or rather Kishi-Mojin) dialed up the creep factor. 

 

Black clawed nails gingerly trailing along Ichigo’s white clothed thigh; their owner unconcerned with the uneasy fleeting looks thrown his way. Right now he'd rather be ripping said cloth from his lover's body. Hell, he'd settle for just hiking up Kishi-Mojin's kimono so long as it meant making him scream his name in the throes of passion imstead of sitting here with people he doesn't give a shit about. Bend him over the nearest table and give these stuffy brats a show. As loathe as Kishi might be to admit it the fertility god did fancy exhibitionism...

 

For affinity sake! Even their father's first action had been to thoroughly debauch his favorite son before revealing anything! You would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to notice the blonde's flushed and sweaty face; or that Kannon could barely stand much less walk on trembling legs when he did appear. Where else would he inherit such a um, healthy libido? 

 

So unfair... 

 

Well since big brother decided to cheat the test, he supposed he could settle for enjoying the tiny mage strangling him instead.

 

“That would be our cousin Sylphine. The Lady Sun, Wind Witch, Goddess of the Storm and a few other titles. Though falling quite short of thirty stories, she breathes fire in a no less terrifying manner when angered. Just call Okuninushi-niisama Tokyo.” For the second time since their reawakening Fugen Bosatsu (Ulquiorra) made a joke. Now it was officially weirder. Not just because the emo-spada did so but cuz he did it with a deadpan voice. 

 

Across the room Shinji started laughing hysterically. So much so that he wound up on the floor clutching his sides. The captains, lieutenants and espada just blinking at him. This was awkward enough. Then a few of his fellow Visored chuckled too. Ishida face palmed. Sado tried to pretend he hadn't heard but a small smile graced his lips.

 

 

"Hah! Dare ya ta say that to er face mopey." Kenpachi boomed heartily.  "She'll rip yer balls off."

 

"What is so damn funny?! She's going to kill him and you're all laughing!" Youroichi frowned, worried for her friend. So what of he lied to her- 

 

"It's a pop culture reference. Only those living in the human world for more than a few years got the joke. Sylphine is usually so sweet and bubbly but Bakaret is her world. She's scared enough for his sake to really maim nii-san but he won't die." Kisshōten (Orihime) assured confidently. The sound of an agonized gurgling not two seconds later caused her to flinch, some of that confidence to wane. "Probably...maybe." 

 

Stark (Baku) simply snored through the whole ordeal. Despite the ruckus...and tiny Hoshikawa (Lilynette) kicking his sides. 

 

"I (gack) yield!" A feeble gasp escaped his mouth. With barely any air in his lungs and black spots dancing before his eyes, the blonde realized the jig was up. Instantly she dropped him like a stone.

 

"Talk."

 

"He's back where he belongs, his native reality." Rubbing his neck Urahara blinked dumbly. "Hold on, Castor is missing too?"

 

"Already figured that much out and Cas can take care of himself. The problem is I can't open a gateway there. How do I get my son back?"

 

"You don’t." Cue the air around them charging with static again.  "Wait! I mean you don't yet.In the meanwhile he's perfectly safe. Thanks your loving care he is strong enough to act as a true agent of chaos there and stop it from causing a domino effect of destruction. But what do you mean Castor is missing? Only the natives...of...oops."

 

"Oops? OOPS?!"

 

"Um we may have made a boo boo? A slight miscalculation." He started to scoot away. "Turns out hat reality isn't quite as affinity deaf as we thought..."

 

He expected to be violently thrashed again. To have a dainty foot crush his nose or a small fist to bear down on his skull. Not have a gentle hand tilt his head up or a sweet voice speak calmly with an innocent smile. The hard as ice eyes weren't really a surprise. Nor the crushing grip on his chin.

 

"As in the royal 'we'...or other heads I need to knock in?"

 

*I#1*

 

Far removed from that circus, two eternal guardians were having coffee at a quaint Belgian sidewalk cafe. A bit of a ritual for them to meet this way; leaving doppelgangers at their posts while they enjoyed some downtime.  Discussing matters transcending time and space. And how to avoid them.

 

"Pity something blocked such a plot from my all seeing eye." A man smartly dressed in a gold colored business suit spoke. After a sip of his latte he adjusted expensive sunshades which hid his pure white eyes well.

 

"Indeed. What a shame my staff cannot access those hidden events either." The green haired woman nodded brushing a few crumbs from her purple skirt. Not one person noticing her maroon eyes.

 

After a beat the dark skinned man set his mug down, steepled his hands and sat back in his chair.

 

"Plausible deniability is a wonderful thing isn't it Lady Pluto?"

 

"Oh yes Lord Heimdall."  She held up a plate of gingerbread men. "You must try these cookies. The recipe's been in this family for centuries. Each generation is absolutely splendid at replicating it's perfection." 

 

*I#1*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, the joke Fugen made compares Sylphine's assault on Okuninushi to Godzilla destroying Tokyo by using the lyrics of the American cartoon from the 60's.
> 
>  
> 
> /Up from the depths
> 
> Thirty stories high
> 
> Breathing fire
> 
> His head in the sky...
> 
>  
> 
> Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla!/
> 
>  
> 
> In Idiotproof, Castor thinks to himself his dear match could be called Mamazilla when it comes to their son's well being. He does so after realizing he's been summoned to the same world as his missing child (though he doesn't quite realize it's not by the same group yet).
> 
>  
> 
> A guardian is the parent of their mages. But no one outside a reality is actually related. Guardians simply see each other as brothers and sisters and in turn mages refer to children of their 'aunts' and 'uncles' as their 'cousins'.
> 
>  
> 
> A match is the same as a spouse among Chaos Mages. Except divorce isn't a thing...because to match literally means to match souls.
> 
>  
> 
> Yep. That was Sailor Pluto of Sailor Moon and Heimdall from Marvel comics at the end. Two nearly omnipotent beings... who want no part in the impending shitstorm. Doing what they can not to be drug into it.
> 
>  
> 
> Parallels introduced Pollux/Kid Flash, Castor/Klarion the Witchboy (Sylphine's match) and Artemis. It is set in Young Justice.
> 
>  
> 
> At the initial meeting are Felix and Peter from Once Upon a Time. In my fics they are servants of their reality's dark mage Gabriel (Sylphine's twin brother), making them second tier mages. Usually such mages are less powerful than their masters but have more freedom to directly interact with the workings of their reality. Those two are a special case. Their fic is Once Upon a Time in Everlie. 
> 
>  
> 
> The Gabriel present as a conspirator isn't him though. He's the candy loving archangel/trickster from Supernatural. I haven't written a story for that fandom but he is one of its Chaos Mages. He will probably only appear once in awhile or be mentioned as I have yet to establish any real rules for his reality. 
> 
>  
> 
> Titania, queen of the Third Race comes from Gargoyles. In that world the Guardian is actually Puck. He got so bored being in charge he allowed his children Titania and Oberon to believe they were his masters just to be free to have fun. Still Titania suspected things weren't as simple as all that. Their fic is Facade. 
> 
>  
> 
> The the red eyed one is actually Vlad Masters from Danny Phantom where Danny (Nikkou) is really his twin and Clockwork (Ebedi) the Guardian. His true name is Oidiche. While pretty twisted by his own admission,  he isn't dumb. He knows this plan is ill fated from the jump, bailing immediately. His debut is in The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions, the first time we meet Sylphine. The Jasmine mentioned is Danny's sister. 
> 
>  
> 
> The other blonde, Okuninushi is the alter ego of Urahara from Bleach. His father is Gin  (Izanagimi) the real Soul King who set the anime/manga world's events in motion as a test of how his subjects would function if he stepped back a bit. They totally failed. His siblings are whom many Shinto Gods are based:
> 
>  
> 
> Kenpachi: Battle and war- Hachiman
> 
>  
> 
> Aizen: Death and destruction, vengeance- Enma
> 
>  
> 
> Ichigo: Life, birth, protection - Kishi-Mojin (traditionally female in myth)
> 
>  
> 
> Ulquiorra: Enlightening wisdom, intelligence, understanding, intuition, long life - Fugen Bosatsu
> 
>  
> 
> Stark: god of dreams and the psyche - Baku; his doll sized helper is Lilynette - Hoshikawa
> 
>  
> 
> Orihime: good fortune, happiness, beauty - Kisshōten
> 
>  
> 
> Urahara: cunning, sorcery, medicine, self realization- Okuninushi
> 
>  
> 
> Kira: God of mercy, forgiveness - Kannon (traditionally female in myth)
> 
>  
> 
> Yes, there is incest happening in this family of gods. Aizen and Ichigo (brothers) together as well as Kira and Gin (son and father). To be fair a LOT of pantheons do this.
> 
>  
> 
> Lastly, Bakaret is Harry Potter whom Sylphine and Castor have been raising since Dumbledork left him on the Dursely's porch.
> 
>  
> 
> So, whaddya guys think? Good? Bad? Confusing? Lemme know. Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out! 
> 
>  


	4. Karma's a Bitch and So Am I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup! Here’s another interlude chronicling Sylphine’s trek across the multiverse in search of her baby boy. It’s taken so long because I had to decide what fandom would suffer her wrath next. Then it hit me: Fullmetal Alchemist.
> 
>  
> 
> To be fair, these interludes serve to knit my Reality of Chaos side stories together as well as show how these principles could be applied to almost any work of fiction. In fact so far I have over 10 that could tie into this directly or tanentally. The resulting swirl of entropic madness may or may not yield some of, all of, or more than the following 'eagerly' inquiring JUST WHAT THE FUCKING DEAL IS:
> 
>  
> 
> The Marvel Universe: Hands Off
> 
>  
> 
> The DC Universe: Parallels
> 
>  
> 
> Every fairytale being Disney either got totally wrong or lied out their ass about: Once Upon a Time in Everlie
> 
>  
> 
> An entire realm of ghosts: The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions
> 
>  
> 
> A group of retro Scottish natives and the people assisting them adjust to temporal shift induced culture shock: Facade
> 
>  
> 
> A wholly different take on the afterlife complete with transforming swords: Megalomaniac
> 
>  
> 
> A group of mostly deluded but still powerful wizards and witches: Idiotproof is Highly Suspect Terminology
> 
>  
> 
> A gaggle of pretty soldiers in sailor suits with varying celestial abilities, lead by a crybaby who will jack you up if shit gets real. And the guy with access to kickass armour, a sword he knows how to use and psychic powers but chooses to fight evil in a flimsy tux and magic roses: n/a so far
> 
>  
> 
> A bevy of brawlers spanning multiple races and origins; several of which are prone to spontaneously rockin blue eyes and long blond hair if pissed: n/a so far
> 
>  
> 
> A young wild horse and the interesting times in which he lives: n/a so far but referenced in Hands Off
> 
>  
> 
> A pirate in yellow submarine and his bombastic (insane) group of frenemies: n/a so far
> 
>  
> 
> Two brothers and their angel buddy who seriously just want to know WTF...so they can gank it: n/a but referenced in several stories
> 
>  
> 
> A quirky info broker with a creepy fascination with humans and a debt collector with rage issues who really just can't even right now: n/a
> 
>  
> 
> Two genius brothers who just wanted to fix a mistake...that never would have happened if an anthropomorphic white blob hadn’t been a lazy asshole: n/a but totally the point of this interlude.
> 
>  
> 
> Curiosity peeked? Onward!

 

 

*I2*

 

To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.

 

After it’s world came into being, the entity known as Truth looked around at it’s brethren across the multiverse...And said nope.

 

Spending eternity as a glorified babysitter to the insects he created that at any moment could destroy their own reality if he didn’t pay close enough attention sounded as amusing as a hole in the head. So, Truth set forth to make it’s own rules within the rules. Remove the need to have chaos mages by making the chance of such screw ups virtually impossible. Give them all equal access to the cosmic energy and make the taboo price so steep few would dare break it and even fewer would survive the cost. Make himself known to those dumb enough to try. And equivalent exchange would do the rest.

 

Things rolled on pretty smoothly. Until...

 

Van Hohenheim and Dante came in like a wrecking ball hellbent on changing the natural order Truth so carefully set in motion. These two dunderheads wanted to live forever when they had no right to, deciding mass genocide and swapping bodies like underwear was the way to do it. Even after the whole unpleasant side effect of their shiny new meat suits beginning to rot away from the inside out. The change happening faster with each body they stole. The pair having no understanding that the human body was not meant to handle the power of the Philosopher's stone- thus why homunculi could never be human in the first place. That the creatures' sanity deteriorated the longer they existed; if you could call the torture of memories and longings belonging to the dead person you were meant to be but never would sanity in the first place. That that damn stone was never meant to exist but thanks to that pair it did.

 

Then along came Edward Elric and by association his brother Alphonse. Unlike every other before them that tried human transmutation and failed, they not only set about fixing their mistake and doing some good along the way, the pair was willing to give up their chance once they learned the true cost of the stone they sought for 3 years. It wasn’t worth the cost.  And they actively tried to destroy it. The elder willing to sacrifice the thing that made him unique for to restore the younger to normal. Two children had a better grasp of the workings of the universe than a man and woman centuries old. There was just something about the two, their compulsion to set things right no matter what amused and confused Truth. He knew Ed would offer his Gate for his brother’s body So, he was going to cut them a break or sorts; throw in his arm and leg for free..

 

Then this shit happened.

 

“Great. Back here again.” Edward sighed. To be fair the Gate of Truth is where he wanted to be for this to work but still, he hated that featureless jackass as much as the bovine mammary secretions it reminded him of.

 

“GET YOUR LILY WHITE ASS BACK HERE!”

 

That...wasn’t Truth. It was fair too feminine, too high pitched and too cheesed off.

 

“GAH! I told you I can’t do it!”

 

That was it. Though a lot less haughty and put together than usual. Ed looked around until he saw the familiar deity booking it across the white abyss like it’s metaphysical ass was on fire. Hot on it’s heels a small (shorter than him!) girl, dressed like a Xingese warrior and armed with folding fans? That’s not important. What was important were the bolts of lightning she was shooting off with them.

 

“Be reasonable child! Even if I wanted to help you, my world works differently than yours! I cannot  open the gate without being paid a toll!”  
  


“If you wanted to?!” she girl roared. “IF YOU WANTED TO?! I never asked to be here you freak, someone threw me here! How’s about you open that gate and I don’t make you shoot electricity out of your ass!? How’s THAT for payment?!”

 

“What is going on? Al!” Ed’s scan had completely missed the emaciated body propped up against the stone gate, being too distracted by whatever was happening off in the distance. It was only his soulless shell but still, he was right there! This had to work. Seeing him again was too painful for it not to.

 

The sound of a body hitting the ground then being stomped on like no tomorrow once again drew his attention back to the weirdness. Truth was splayed out  face(?) down with the strange girl bouncing on it’s back like a trampoline. Though Ed was fairly certain it didn’t enjoy it at all as the girl seemed intent on breaking it’s back The deity wailing pitifully all the way. This girl...how could she possible force something like Truth to beg for mercy?

 

“I give!!!!” Truth hollered. “I give!”

 

“Then send me on my way!” The girl allowed the deity to stand. Her arms crossed over her chest expectantly.

 

“I CAN”T. Not without being paid a toll. Equivalent Exchange prevents me from just conjuring things without something in recompense.” Seeing her left eye began to twitch, the Keeper held up it’s arms in defense before hastily continuing. “You’re not mortal! Your energy could do it though you might be weaker for some time once you pass. Or you could use him.” The being thumbed back at Ed.

 

For a moment, she didn’t seem to have heard the response. Standing completely still and just blinking at the blonde. Then her gaze drifted to Alphonse's body  What was she thinking? Holy shit! Was she considering using them to pay her toll? She continued to just stare at the brothers, making all present uneasy. Especially when Ed noticed a growing spark of abject horror alight in her eyes. Her blank expression gave way to one of disgust and anger.

 

Truth tried to back up.

 

CRUNCH!

 

“You dipshit.” came the cold reply. Truth now stood clutching it’s face(?), blood trickling between its fingers. Ed couldn’t help but have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand she’d refused an offer to use them as cannon fodder, drawn her arm back and struck like a piston to make the prickliest thorn in his side bleed like a waterfall. On the other hand she had made Truth bleed- what was she to do that to a god like entity? Have it so terrified and be able to injure it at all?

 

"Will you stop that?!"

 

"You monster. You're no better than Vishnu; thinking it's perfectly acceptable to break the rules to suit your fucked up whims." Her voice remained level, only her glowing golden eyes betraying her fury. "You don't even FEEL it do you?”

 

“...”

 

Again with the staring, this time at Truth itself. Who despite having no face, managed to look ashamed with the girl’s gaze boring into it like a laser. Until she sighed and buried her face in her small hands.

 

“You don’t nor have no idea what to do about it. Outstanding.” she groaned. “Why am I always cleaning up the messes caused by my aunts and uncles? I really thought you all were supposed to be sage and crap. Aside from Mama, Uncle Ebedi and Auntie Aurii, you all seem to be morons. There’s a difference between bad luck a bass ackward logic you know that right?”

 

“Get off your high horse girl. You’ve no idea what you’re talking about, you’re just a mage-”

 

“Who, at present, could whoop your ass. By myself. Doesn’t that seem a bit unbalanced to you?” Her stare was flat. “You’ve screwed with the way things are supposed to be so much, Affinity balanced things out the best way it could to keep this reality from cracking like a china plate. At least that shows you’re slightly smarter than Vishnu. You traded your real power for whatever half baked version of order this is. Equivalent exchange is just another term for it. So, how’s that workin for ya?”

 

“If you’re so much smarter and more powerful than me, why don’t you figure out how to leave?” Truth’s tone was bitter with a sharp sting.

 

“I already have. And as a bonus, I’m gonna help you out of this mess.”

 

“Or, you need to fix what’s wrong so you can be on your way.”

 

“To-may-to, to-mah-to. Don’t be more of a dick.”

 

By this time, Ed was certain he’d either had a stroke, was hallucinating, dead or something of the like. Words had officially lost any meaning. What the hell was going on?! The fact that both were now looking at him made him realize he’d shouted that last bit. Now  (more) uncomfortable, he shifted around on his feet nervously.  
  


“It’s your lucky day Mr. Al-che-mist. My...guest may just be able to get you out of this with no toll.” There was the smarmy condescending bastard Major Elric hated so much. It might have looked more imposing if not for the river of red running down its front.

 

“Stop trying to save face. You’ve lost all credibility, shut up.” The girl shook her head, then flashed an angelic smile at the braided blonde. “What Truth meant to say was all the shit I’m sure you two’ve been through has given you so much karma credit it’s ridiculous. And because he fucked up, the cosmic balance has put you on a pretty rough path to being where you truly belong. I’m Sylphine. Though the circumstances could be better, it’s nice ta meetcha cuz!”

 

WHAT?!

 

*I2*

Far away, in the last reality the Goddess of the Storm had visited, sat a frazzled blonde desperately trying to appear as if everything was alright to those around him as he sipped tea poured for him by a small pigtailed girl. Sitting across from him, his younger brother not buying it for a second.

 

“You are aware that once our sweet little cousin realizes you derailed her to a reality that poses issues for those wishing to exit when her goal is simply to find her stolen child, she will at some point return here to violently castrate you and hand you your testicles in a jar yes, Onikunishi?” the brunette drawled.

 

The only response he received was the thump of a head making contact with wood and a loud groan from his elder brother.

 

“Please go away, Enma.”

 

“Oh no. I intend to stay nearby to have a front row seat for that.”

 

 

 

*I2*

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Truth is the guardian of the Fullmetal Alchemist world. Meaning Ed and Al were supposed to be it’s mages. Even though Truth tried to avoid creating them, the Affinity decided their existence was inevitable. One way or the other. Hence Truth not really recognizing them for what they were and perfectly okay with throwing the brothers under the bus..
> 
>  
> 
> Despite it all, Sylphine is still the same super sweet person from “The Road To Hell is Paved with Good Intentions”; willing to give her all to help even though she could avoid all the hassle it puts her through. It just so happens this time it’s mutually beneficial and not just out of the kindness of her heart. And considering the situation with her missing son, it’s a given her patience has become a rare comodity :P
> 
>  
> 
> Almost makes you pity Truth and Onikunishi. Almost.
> 
> Shameless Self Promotion:  
> This chapter has spawned another RoC fic "Equivalence is Relative" set in the FMA reality. Like the anime (2003 version is what I know besr) there'll be humor but I intend it as a more serious look at elements of how that world works.
> 
> Love it? Hate it? Complete indifference? Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!


	5. The Wind Sprite is Useless. Dare You to Say It to Her Face Though...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, another interlude.
> 
>  
> 
> This one takes place in the same realm as the fanfiction rabbit hole I fell down after rediscovering a fandom I loved in high school and was somewhat shocked to find out of the anime I have bothered to watch and come to dearly love, this one fits the very best in to my Chaos Mage AUs with the least amount of tweaking to characters necessary. I can't believe didn't notice before. Here be also a great opportunity to explain a bit of the WTF situation with the HP world. Why and how? You'll see soon. If you don't an explanation will be in the end notes.
> 
>  
> 
> This time a little bit more than Mamazilla charging through and busting up shit happens. Surprising all.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, fair warningn unless the chapter title gave away the crossover for you, this might not make much sense in term of exactly who all these weirdos really are. That’s actually fine, that info isn't essential to understanding what's going on.
> 
>  
> 
> But does make it funnier :3

 

 

*I3*

 

Once again, she was trapped somewhere through no fault of her own. Though this time it was more or less just luck of the draw. Luck of the shitty draw.

 

She came here tracing an energy signature belonging to one of the ‘Legion of Dumbasses with a Death Wish’ members. A fitting name given to the ones Oidhche identified as being responsible for her Emerald being shanghaied. And stranding Peter and Felix in his home reality (one not particularly accepting of ‘supernatural creatures’) when they told the idiots to shove it; her equally ticked off brother going to rescue his priests. Or rather rescue Yahweh’s realm from a (likely more so than usual) psychotic Peter Pan and his equally powerful lover with a homicidal split personality. Seriously anything those two met there would be utterly fucked. Angel, demon, hunter, _ whatever _ .

 

Unlike the two of them, Oidhche had the advantage of forethought; dispelling any fluctuations of power, no matter how small, not his own generated around him during the meeting. It also helped that the elder mage wasn’t quite as distracted by wanting to leave.

 

After embarrassing the absolute hell out of Okunishi in front of his playmates, he gave up their identities quick. Admitting he himself bore the misfortune of not being able to leave his own reality in lieu of a small crisis. Translation: he was the only one without the ability to hide from her or any other parent wanting answers/blood. 

 

She originally didn’t care why this one took to hiding out in such a random reality. Only after arriving did she understand. And then care very, very much about more severely maiming her target as well as punching the Guardian of this reality as hard as she could in his face for the hell of it. 

 

His stupid, adorkable face.

 

To be clear, she knew full well said guardian could crush her like a bug if she did but boy was it tempting. After listening in on the grand revelation, she completely understood this reality worked as smoothly as it did only at great cost to it's creator. That as far as she could tell, he sensed a disturbance long ago and instead of resetting his beloved reality before it even got off the ground, he sacrificed his ability to consciously regulate it until he regained his strength after massively reconfiguring how it related to its shadow realities. He had, in a sense, created the reality that halfwit Vishnu dreamed of without any of the megalomania and affinity defying issues that lead to multi armed Guardian destroying his own realm. Seemingly by accident. All to divert a destabilizing event. While that's all well and noble and surprisingly novel (re:the loopiest of loopholes to ever loop de loop), it created a bunch of problems. Some of which no one  seemed keen on admitting.

 

The main one being his daughters had no fucking clue he definitely existed until about 12 hours ago. His last act before hibernating had been to give them life so that someone was actually monitoring their reality. Seeing as they never met daddy, all they knew is a force greater than themselves existed and had created them. It's only logical that they might wanna find him. If for no other reason than to ask “Seriously dude WTF?!” 

 

As a result, what formed was an amorphous layer cake consisting of around 22 dimensions, each of a higher energy state than the last. The cap of which, called the Hyperdimension, serving as the only place the three Goddesses could fully allow themselves to occupy. The debatably unstable bottom being the lowest energy plane upon which the latest kerfuffle took place. Mostly.

 

Acting more or less independently of each other The Chousin set about their grand experiment. Washu (goddess of wisdom, knowledge and basically a neutral mage),would lose herself completely to the lower planes of existence and nearly all of her powers (and ability to protect herself) went out the window. Tsunami (goddess of life, creation and essentially a light mage) would act as a sort of medium with one foot in the lower planes, the other in their higher planes accidentally binding herself partially in a physical form. Tokimi (who ruled death, destruction but above all else was a dark mage) would remain in the realm of higher beings only interacting from afar thus unable to change and grow as her sisters did through experience; eventually becoming quite distant from them and causing contention. See, the word ‘experiment’ sounds a lot more like they actually had a plan than ‘let's fuck with the natural order until something drastic enough to wake the supreme being happens’. 

 

Shadow realities did exist here...to a degree. In another weird twist, they weren't exactly separate. Not like the branches of the many worlds ‘theory’ that made up literally every anchor/shadow reality relationship she has ever encountered. More like wound about the anchor like a screw. The apex of the spire? Tenchi. Seriously, a version of him existed in every last offshoot. Which should not be. At some point, according to probability, there should be at least one scenario where the events necessary for him to exist just don't occur. How could that be?

 

So, even though they found their supreme being, he was sealed within the form of a mortal adolescent boy. A boy whose death will release him fully from his avatar. A fact only learned by accident which, suprise, is a terrible thing to occur before he’s ready to awaken. Was it mentioned the avatar's body is NOT invulnerable and lifespan finite? Yeah, the avatar fucking died twice (even after the three sisters reset time to prevent it). The result? A (debatably) normal boy with god level powers he had near zero conscious control over. So now there happened to be a race against the clock for this deity to mature enough to not full on break his reality when he totally woke up again. Or for his half aware self to not destroy it on accident. At least his heritage gives him possible millennia right?

 

Considering his middle name is trouble magnet? 

 

Good.

 

Luck.

 

With.

 

That.

 

As such she found herself being stared at by the Masaki family and friends as she graciously accepted a mug of tea from the young Princess Sasami.

 

“So yer some kind of goddess from another world, huh?” Ryoko snorted. “So why are you here?”

 

“Among other things, him.” she pointed to a confused looking Tenchi. “Though I doubt he could be of much help in his current state.”

 

“So you wanna steal MY Tenchi do ya-?!”

 

“YOUR Tenchi?! As if Tenchi-sama would ever belong to the likes of you!” Aeka screeched at her.

 

“Yeah no. I have no romantic interest in this derp, being a happily married woman. No offense. I just...(sigh)...my baby is missing and I know for a fact one of the culprits is hiding out here.” she took a long sip. “The problem is I don't know where. As an anchor reality, I have no right to act here without the permission of the Guardian who created it. In this case him.”

 

“Um-” Tenchi blinked, opening his mouth only to be cut off.

 

“But it seems Tenchi’s current state of being prevents that. After all he can’t give permission if he doesn’t know what he's giving permission for.” Washu nodded sagely.

 

“Well-”

 

“Then that settles it. Get lost toots. Go peddle yer sobs story elsewhere. We can't help ya.” Ryoko demanded.

 

“Hey now-”

 

“While I would not have put it quite that way, that devil woman has a point Sylphine-sama. If you know Tenchi-sama cannot aide you, why remain here? I am sure there are other...realities? Yes realities where you would have more success, correct?” Aeka spoke diplomatically. The jab at Ryoko earning a glare.

 

“But-”

 

“Oh my! This is just like my soaps! The ones that make me cry! I can't imagine not having my baby, worrying about him being all alone!” Mihoshi wailed. 

 

“...”

 

“Oh that's so sad Sylphine-sama. There has to be something we can do for her!” Sasami sniffled.

 

“Perhaps, if you actually spoke to me not about me you could get an answer?”

 

Tenchi had everyone’s attention after that simple inquiry. His emblem flared to life upon his brow though this time he appeared more...serene than previous instances. The air about him that of a regal confident deity. Not a panicky spaz who had suddenly checked out mid-battle. With a gentle smile he turned to their guest.

 

“I am sorry to hear of your troubles Sylphine-sama. Though I do not believe the situation is as cut and dry as it appears. As for how that can be, well I suppose I must explain my actions as well.” Tenchi vaguely motioned to the table causing it to vanish and everyone found themselves in a different seat arranged in a semicircle. With one addition.

 

“W-what?” Tokimi blinked in confusion. She had been minding her own business in her realm, resting after their ordeal. Now she sat between Washu and the young princess bound to Tsunami...whom appeared behind the girl in ethereal form. To Washu’s right sat her daughters Ryoko and Ryo-ohki. Beside them, Mihoshi. To Tsunami's left, the House of Jurai members still earthside. Including Noike who had been adopted in.

 

“Now, this story is rather long if I go into much detail so I will summarize to keep from boring you all to death. As you know, the Three Goddesses have been searching for a being with potential greater than their own. What just occurred being the culmination of eons of searching and experimentation. What everyone fails to understand is I am not sealed or trapped within Tenchi Masaki. We are two facets, two levels of the same being. The depth of something is not apart from it’s length and width, merely another property by which to perceive it. I suppose you could call me Tenchi-kami-sama to differentiate. Now, did  _ no one _ wonder why the Choubimaru’s cannon blast didn't create the same crisis as Z slicing me in half? After all it took the three of you to shove me back into my shell did it not?” Air quotes went up around the word shell.

 

The girls (and Yosho) pondered this. All that changed in the new timeline was Z not existing. So the same result should have occurred right? He was very obviously killed by the blast-

 

“GAAHHHH! I JUST ASSUMED!” Washu flailed her arms wildly, almost taking out Mihoshi (Tokimi merely leaned away, eyebrow raised). Grabbing her hair in frustration she glared at Tenchi-kami-sama. “Some greatest mind in the universe I am! With no tangible, data I still made a hard conclusion! The cannon blast didn't kill you did it?”

 

“Don’t feel too bad Washu-chan.” Tenchi-kami-sama waved it off. “No, it did not. I didn't even die when Z succeeded. A lower level being couldn’t truly harm you or one of your sisters much less myself. What Z did do was severe the binds on my awareness.” At this the deity blushed, rubbing the back of his head. “Though for a split second, I admit to being a tad out of it. Resulting in the dimensional tremors felt by your supervisors as I awoke completely. Though I came to my senses in time, I felt it more prudent for the sisters to be the ones perceived to have averted disaster.”

 

“Out of...you mean all of creation almost ended because you were  _ groggy _ ?” Nobuyuki, his gobsmacked father, sputtered.

 

“That’s.... a fair assessment.” He had the decency to admit it. “As a guardian, my existence on this plane is...a delicate situation. Technically speaking, I am not allowed to interact at all with this plane unless there is a dire reason. On the scale of reality breaking. My purpose mainly is to hold my reality together. My daughters have more freedom but as it's mages are unable to directly interfere with the mortal realm. Only able to create priests and priestess from those who have passed on to carry out their will on this plane. However, exceptional circumstances exist for them as well.” 

 

“Personally I am more interested in why you would even bother.” Yosho spoke carefully. “You are the supreme ruler of our very existence Tenchi, yet you play the role of awkward teen spoiled for unwanted choice to a fault. While I am guilty of running away from my position centuries ago, I was at least secure in the knowledge that the post I left vacant could be filled by my sister who actually wanted the role or that my father was far from on his way out. You literally just told us you had absolutely no control over anything after you went to sleep. But why did you go to sleep in first place? And aren't you in violation of the taboos you mentioned?”

 

“Well no and isn’t that kinda hypocritical of you sir? I mean things have to be this way or everything goes poof. Tenchi wouldn’t be irresponsible when others are in danger right? Since he allowed things to naturally develop in direct opposition of the those rules, the taboos are the norm for us. If he backs off then things go so wonky he HAS to step in again. Come to think of it, they didn't really do anything bad. Washu-san had no powers for most of her time here and her discoveries probably accelerated the progress of the universe as a whole without favoring any one person or people. Tsunami-san didn’t seek out the ancestors of the Jurai royal line, they sorta bothered her while she was sleeping. She didn't actively do anything to establish the Empire, only gave them the means to do it themselves. And when she did get involved it was more Sasami’s will than her own. I remember how she saved her as a child but it’s kinda obvious Sasami did die that day- Tsunami just brought her back the same as ever just as part of herself. Tokimi-san never really did anything on this plane, only interacting with um...avatars? Yeah! She used people already here to affect this plane rather than come here herself. I also remember something in the GP files about Dr. Clay having an accident with his ship centuries ago. Grampa was very surprised when I brought him in. Hmm? Uh, is there something on my face?” Mihoshi suddenly noticed everyone gawking at her. 

 

Well, Tenchi smiled serenely at her before slightly shaking his head. Sylphine didn't seem at all affected by her deduction, instead looking rather bored with the whole affair. As if the crew were idiots for NOT reaching the same conclusion.

 

“I suppose it's only natural that she would put things together so quickly. She takes after her ancestor, The Goddess of Knowledge. At least in part.” Tenchi chuckled. Ignoring his pink haired daughter’s sputtering, he turned to Sylphine face stern. “Sylphine-sama, the same events which lead me to my actions I fear to be the cause of your troubles. A  disturbance in the very balance between all realities has caused strange anomalies for many guardians. Like ripples in a pond, the effect has been far reaching yet not affecting all areas at the same time. My ability to investigate has been limited; my initial solution was a snap decision to save my realm first and foremost. I have only just now become aware again.”

 

Sylphine froze. What the hell could cause the affinity to falter to much it created a domino effect like that?!

 

“What?! How?!”

 

“I can only imagine. Though I suppose the best place to start, seeing as I too have questions, would be locating your wayward cousin, ne?”

 

Light years away, an unassuming merchant oversaw a long awaited delivery of rare ingredients for his confections specifically ethyl methylphenylglycidate. The raw materials were hard to come by on the world where he worked and their nearest source happened to be solar systems away. As he opened a barrel of sweet smelling oil for inspection, a sense of impending dread shot down his spine. 

 

Starling the dark blond man so badly, he lost his footing and plunged face first into the viscous solution. Luckily, no one was around to see him failing about before the drum tipped completely over coating the storeroom floor in his precious, expensive ingredient.

 

*I3*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the mystery deepens.
> 
>  
> 
> So, yes the anime de jour is Tenchi Muyo. An anime/manga the creator has more or less admitted to being a self insert. Tenchi’s god form is essentially the creator himself. The story itself is...um...complicated/convoluted and cannot be fully summed up with a short blurb but here goes. Basically “normal” dude ends up with a harem of space babes trying to get in his pants while learning:
> 
>  
> 
> Surprise 1: The legend of the trapped demon his family shrine guards is real as shit.
> 
>  
> 
> Surprise 2: His shrine keeper Grampa is really 700+ alien prince who trapped said demon after she attacked his homeworld and their battle made it all the way to Earth.
> 
>  
> 
> Surprise 3: He is related to nearly every alien woman who's hot for him. And his actual fiance (pushed on him by his great aunt) was adopted into the royal family. This interlude actually makes that family tree situation more fucked up. How? Princess Ayeka is the only one whose relation to Tenchi does not change- she's always been his great aunt. But her little sister Princess Sasami is now not only his great aunt but also his DAUGHTER because of her fusion with Tsunami. By that same logic, Washu (no relation in canon) is now also Tenchi’s daughter making her daughter Ryoko (and her sister/impossibly adorable spaceship Ryo-ohki) his granddaughter(s) and Mihoshi (descended from the child Washu lost eons ago) his great (x♾) granddaughter. Every name I just mention has been trying to get Tenchi in the sack even the ones who knew they were related by blood. And yet I somehow made that more convoluted.
> 
>  
> 
> You're welcome!
> 
>  
> 
> FYI: The title is a play on the possible translation of the series title ‘Tenchi Muyo!’. Viz has officially translated it as ‘No Need For Tenchi’ when it can also mean ‘Tenchi is Useless’ among others.
> 
>  
> 
> Ethyl methylphenylglycidate is the chemical most commonly used to give sweets like Twizzlers a strawberry flavoring. That's a clue to the mage hiding there to escape Sylphine/literally anyone who figures out his involvement- Gabriel from Supernatural. Also that the Winchesters and Co. are probably not having fun with two powerful and pissed off immortal teenagers.
> 
>  
> 
> There will likely be a part two to this titled “Need for Sylphine. But Here She is Anyway, Still Pissed as All Get Out” that continues in the Tenchi-verse.
> 
>  
> 
> So, love it? Hated it? Utterly confuzzled? Lemme know! Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!

**Author's Note:**

> Well? Like "Hands Off", I am unsure if anymore will be added to this fic. It's just a plot bunnie that clawed it's way out of the fence.
> 
>  
> 
> *In "Parallels" the Dark Mage Castor once tore out his own heart so he didn't have to feel anymore. It is found, cared for and eventually returned by Sylphine.
> 
>  
> 
> In order of intro
> 
>  
> 
> Ichimaru: Guardian/Supreme Creator - Izanagimi
> 
>  
> 
> Kenpachi: god of battle - Hachiman
> 
>  
> 
> Aizen: Death and destruction, vengeance- Enmma
> 
>  
> 
> Ichigo: Life, birth, protection - Kishi-Mojin (traditionally female in myth)
> 
>  
> 
> Ulquiorra: Enlightening wisdom, intelligence, understanding, intuition, long life - Fugen Bosatsu
> 
>  
> 
> Stark: god of dreams and the psyche - Baku
> 
>  
> 
> Orihime: good fortune, happiness, beauty - Kisshōten
> 
>  
> 
> Urahara: cunning, sorcery, medicine self realization- Okuninushi
> 
>  
> 
> Kira: God of mercy, forgiveness - Kannon (traditionally female in myth)
> 
>  
> 
> Yes, there is incest happening in this family of gods. Aizen and Ichigo (brothers) together as well as Kira and Gin (son and father). Unfortunately, as the only one to know who he really is, Gin has to deal with lusting after his child who is pretty much right there for centuries while the other pair have no such issue.
> 
>  
> 
> Reviews are like hugs. Sirensoundwave out!


End file.
